In last Sunday’s sermon (May 15th) we looked at Jesus’ command in Luke 17:3, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” I’ve gotten several questions since last Sunday from people asking about the connection between repentance and forgiveness. Here’s one clear articulation of the question: What if the other person doesn’t come to you in repentance (or with an apology)? What if they don’t think they did anything to be forgiven of? These is an important question, and so I want to provide a little more insight into this matter from what I’ve gleaned from other writers on this subject.
Pastor and Seminary Professor David Prince has been particularly helpful to me on this question as he pictures forgiveness as a circle. What he calls “full circle forgiveness” is a picture of complete forgiveness, which ends in reconciliation of the conflicted relationship. Luke 17:3-5 tells us that when a fellow believer “sins against you” and then afterwards “repents,” you are to forgive them. This is full circle forgiveness leading to reconciliation of the relationship, but it is only possible in response to repentance (“if he repents”).
How do we respond to a person who refuses to recognize what they have done wrong, or is refusing to repent and not seeking your forgiveness? We cannot control the other person’s behavior and actions, but we are responsible for our actions and reactions. In that kind of situation, forgiveness cannot ‘complete the circle’ – it cannot reach its ultimate goal of full relational reconciliation. So, until the other person is ready to repent, Prince says that only half-circle repentance is possible. It’s not full because the circle cannot be completed (which would be reconciliation of the relationship) due to the other person’s lack of repentance.
Pastor and author Paul Tripp uses a different picture to make the same point when he says that “Forgiveness is a vertical commitment that is followed by a horizontal transaction.” Forgiving someone begins as a vertical commitment as we give our hurt and offense from being sinned against to the Lord. This does not mean that we deny or excuse the offense. It does mean that we lay it at the Lord’s feet and stop carrying it around with us as bitterness. We commit to leaving justice in God’s hands and do not insert ourself into God’s position to judge and punish the other person. We commit to responding to the other person with the same grace that God has shown us in Christ. But what about the horizontal transaction? That speaks of what occurs in our relationship with the other person. While we can (and should) always make the vertical commitment to forgive before God, we can’t follow this with a horizontal transaction with the other person if they are not repentant. That’s because the horizontal transaction of forgiveness is relational, and it therefore requires confession. Tripp states it clearly: “You cannot relationally forgive someone who has not asked for it.”
So what do we do until the person repents? Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker, counsels us to approach forgiveness as a two-stage process. The first stage requires having an attitude of forgiveness, and the second stage involves actually granting forgiveness. “Having an attitude of forgiveness is unconditional and is a commitment you make to God. By His grace yo seek to maintain a loving and merciful attitude toward someone who has offended you.” This involves disciplining your mind not to dwell on the hurtful incident and rejecting any thoughts about vengeance or retribution. “Instead you pray for the other person and stand ready at any moment to pursue complete reconciliation as soon as he or she repents.” Sande notes that this attitude protects us from bitterness and resentment, even if the other person takes a long time to repent.
Pastor Tim White describes this attitude of forgiveness as “unilateral forgiveness” (unilateral meaning a one-sided transaction). He notes that we do not run from or deny the pain of the offense, but we choose to bear the pain without a preoccupation with the offener. We accept the pain as our own burden (but, where needed, we remove ourselves from the position for this to happen again.) This may involve separation from the offender, especially if it is a repeat offender, but without carrying resentment, anger, and hate. We release all bitterness, blame, and ill will. But this does not mean that trust or even relationship is restored (although it keeps the possibility open).
These are hard cases when we’re dealing with someone who does not admit they’ve sinned against us or acknowledge the need to repent. We aren’t able to maintain an attitude of forgiveness towards such a person in our own human strength, and so we must rely completely on Christ’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s enabling power.
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