How do you “rebuke” someone?

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him,…” (Luke 17:3). Two Sundays ago we looked at Jesus’ imperative to forgive in this text, but several questions remain. On an upcoming Sunday (June 5th) I will be addressing the condition, “if he repents,” by looking at what Jesus teaches about genuine repentance. But there is also the lingering question of what it means to “rebuke” someone has sinned. The Greek word used in Luke 17:3 that we translate as “rebuke” is epitimao, which has the meaning of confronting, admonishing or warning. All of those words seem harsh and ‘intolerant’ in our current cultural climate, and yet Jesus clearly teaches that in certain situations the most loving thing we can do for a fellow believer is to directly address them about sin in their life, particularly when they have sinned against us. We saw this last Sunday when we looked at Jesus’ command, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault…” (Matthew 18:15).

Perhaps the first question to look at is when it is appropriate to rebuke someone. Both Luke 17:3 and Matthew 18:15 clearly address that the one being rebuked is your “brother,” meaning that he or she is a fellow believer in Christ. The Apostle Paul makes the same point in 1 Corinthians 5:12 when he teaches us that we are not to judge “those outside the church” (unbelievers), but that it is “those inside the church” (believers) that we are to judge. (Paul uses “judge” here in the sense of confronting them about their sin.) So it’s clear that rebuking is something that happens between Christians. I’d take that a step further and note that a “brother” is not only a fellow Christian, but someone that I have an actual relationship with (i.e., someone I know and love like a ‘brother’).

Both Luke 17:3 and Matthew 18:15 also clearly indicate that the other believer has sinned (and, in the case of Matthew 18:15, sinned against you). So in discerning whether it is appropriate to rebuke, we first have to ask ourselves whether an actual biblical sin has been committed. In other words, what that other person did may have disappointed you, offended you, or hurt your feelings, but was it an actual sin? Can you point to specific references in the Bible that identify a behavior or attitude that God considers sinful? If you’re not able to identify a biblical sin, I recommend that before you confront that person you first go to a pastor, elder, or other mature spiritual counselor and ask for their counsel and clarification about whether you’re dealing with an actual biblical sin that needs to be rebuked.

So, assuming that you are dealing with someone who you know to be a Christian and that you can clearly identify a biblical sin that you believe they have committed against you, how do you go about rebuking them in a way that is biblical, wise, and loving? Ken Sande, in his book The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, notes that Scripture provides numerous examples to us of approaching others indirectly instead of bluntly calling out their sins. For example, Jesus did not directly confront the Samaritan woman at the well about her adultery. Instead, he approached the issue indirectly by using questions and discussion that engaged her in the process of thinking about and assessing her own life (John 4:1-18).  As this and many similar passages indicate, we need to let go of the idea that showing someone his fault always requires direct confrontation. Although that approach will be appropriate in some situations, we should never do it automatically. Instead, we should ask God to help us discern the most winsome and effective way to approach a particular person at a particular time and to open the way for genuine reconciliation.

Robert Jones, in his book Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts, gives some the following wise advice in how to go about pursuing and having this kind of Luke 17:3 / Matthew 18:15 conversation with a fellow Christian you believe has sinned against you:

1. Contact the person privately to express your desire to talk with him/her privately and face-to-face.
2. When you meet with the person, state your concern humbly and tentatively, using “I” messages. (Example: “John, I’ve been a bit afraid to raise this because I value our friendship, but I’ve been concern about something and it’s been on my mind. May I share my concern with you?”)
3. Ask about the apparent offense; do not assume and do not accuse. Even if you have solid evidence of an offense, it is best to start by asking; that gives him/her the opportunity to save face and voluntarily repent. (Example: “John, I heard you say something the other day that bothered me, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I may have misunderstood, but I thought I heard you say…”)
4. Listen to his/her answer with Christlike compassion and wisdom, and interact wisely with him/her, with the goal of clearly expressing your concern and inviting him/her to repent.

As I mentioned in last Sunday’s sermon, I also recommend that you write out in advance the main points you want to make sure you address in this conversation. (I do so on an index card, and I have that index card with me when I meet with the person.) This does two things that help this process: First, it helps you prayerfully focus on what you should say and how you should say it. Secondly, it helps you stay on track if you become anxious in the midst of the conversation.

Again, if you find yourself in a situation where you believe you need to pursue a Luke 17:3 / Matthew 18:15 conversation with someone, it may be helpful to get the counsel and coaching of a pastor, elder, or trusted spiritual advisor to help you prepare.